Vicious Cycle

For the past few weeks, my life has been a total mess. I moved across the country for a job that didn't work out, and now I am sitting in a new apartment alone(except for my cats), wondering what to do. I have no job, my fiance is thousands of miles away, and I am now depressed and eating everything in sight.
So I have decided since my life gave me the biggest amount of lemons...I' saying screw it and moving back to where my fiance is. Did I spend thousands on the move to where I am? OF COURSE. But I am now just loosing more money than I am gaining. I am also gaining more weight because when I am stressed, I eat...and when I eat I gain weight. Along with the eating also comes my stomach and lady part pains. And with the pain comes depression, fatigue, irritability, and lots of pent up rage from my unfortunate situation. Its just a vicious cycle that is never ending.
I wish that when something in life made me stressed that it wouldn't cause my endo to flare up because it makes things so much harder to deal with. I know that a lot of the time I feel crappy but now it's even harder because my #1 supporter isn't here to cheer me on. I feel alone in a world that is jam packed with people.
So instead of packing on this rainy day like I should be doing...I choose netflix and kitty snuggles.

 

When nobody believes you

I am trying to be as nice as possible about this...But my god I hate people who actually think that I am making up this disease. Are people actually that small minded...or are they just badly informed. When my belly is so bloated I look like my sister in law who is actually 6 months pregnant, there's some sort of problem. When I hurt so much I just want to be sick, there's a problem. When my lady parts feel like they are trying to kill me...there is a fricken problem. And yet somebody actually told me that 'Oh it can't really be that bad. You look fine and your not in the hospital so it can't be as bad as you say'. I honestly wanted to slap this person so hard, and make them go talk to a doctor in order to educate themselves. Better yet I should have given them  a million websites that talk about my disease and ask them what they think after reading everything.
I understand that everybody has their own problems, and that not everybody in the world is going to know what exactly endometriosis is...god knows I didn't until I was diagnosed. But that doesn't really give people the right to tell me how I should be feeling. I try my best to keep my chin up, not complain, and go about my days as if nothing is wrong. But that certainly doesn't mean that I am not suffering or that it 'can't be that bad'. I think that maybe people actually just don't give a shit about other people most of the time. So they don't bother to educate themselves on issues, or have sympathy for the things that they don't understand...and that makes me sad. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and listen to their problems when needed. I just wish that the rest of the world could also be like this, instead of being self absorbed to the point of not even trying to understand someone else's pain.

MIA...

So many of my readers have been emailing me quite concerned as to why I suddenly stopped blogging. A lot of them were disappointed as they thought my stories were funny, uplifting, and many enjoyed my 'unfiltered and blunt' stories about my endometriosis.
For the first little while, I stopped blogging due to my depression. I had quit my job due to harassment and I couldn't shake the feelings that I had. I never left my house, binge watched Netflix, and never put on real pants. As I was coming out of my depression I applied for a job that was on the other side of the country...and to my surprise I got the job. I then proceeded to move across the country for my dream job only to be fired after only 3 day. My employer has given me no real reason for my termination other than he didn't think I was 'physically fit' enough to do the job. My position is in a bakery making everything from bread, to muffins, to cookies ect. This excuse for firing me really got to me because I have worked in kitchens for years and have never had any trouble with the physical labor. Obviously this reason isn't a good enough reason to fire somebody but none the less...I am now sitting in a new province, my fiance in another province, and I don't know anybody where I live...I am jobless, friendless, and pissed off.
So to my readers I am apologizing for being MIA for such a long period of time. I had a lot of 'ME' issues that I needed to work through...and I am finally seeing the brighter side of things.
So I am back, stronger than ever, with even stranger stories than I had before. If you enjoyed by blog before my disappearance...then you are going to love the new stronger, braver, driven Jessica who has a lot more to say, and a bigger set of balls to say them with( metaphorically speaking).

Depression is hard to beat

I have tried to convince myself that for the past few weeks I have been fine...but I can only fool myself for so long. Ever since I started taking Visanne I have been more depressed than I thought. My days have been blurring together, I seem to have a very small appetite, and I have no energy to do anything.

The fact that I never want to leave my house isn't helping anything either...but every time I try to get the motivation to do anything I can't seem to force myself to actually go through with it. I now what I'm feeling isn't normal, but it is so hard to change those feelings. I haven't even wanted to update posts in my blog...which if you haven't realized I love doing. But lately not so much. The few things that get me through my days are my sweet kitties and my fiance, but ohhhh lucky me my fiance isn't home this week so its just me and the furr balls.

I realize this post is short...but it's all that I can manage to write today. I need to find something to focus my mind on so that I can fight this depression. Since that's not happening today I am watching 'Despicable Me' instead...that should fight some depression I should think.

Its been a while...

So it has been about a week since I've posted anything...mainly because I have been dealing with some personal issues that don't have anything to do with my endo.
But of course...along with my personal issues comes my endo pain. Lately I have been experiencing migraines, nausea, and so much fatigue. That combined with my general life problems...and I have been feeling like the biggest bag of crap that has ever lived. I admit that that's a little over kill on my part, but I have barely left my house...my migraines keep making me stay in bed, and puking is just not fun at all. Does never leaving my house help my issues...no of course it doesn't. But when I feel so sick that leaving the house just isn't an option what am I really supposed to do.
I have now tried every trick that I could Google in order to battle these physical issues that are making the pain in my tummy flare up more that I would like. Google has failed me. Not only do my migraines continue....my tummy is bloated to the extreme, I feel extremely un-sexy, and I am starting to feel like my body really does hate me. Add in my crazy emotions...and I don't even think i'd want to be around me right now(not that I really have a choice).

It's my BIRTHDAYYY

It's my 23rd birthday today and I have now been a strong fighter of my endo for about 8 years.I would like to thank everybody who reads my blog for all of their encouragement and support. I know I have touched a lot of different people's lives since starting my blog. And each of those people have touched my life as well. Thank you so much for all of the love and support... it honestly means the world to me.
Now I am off to have a home spa night for myself and hopefully not jinx the fact that I have been completely pain free today.
Again thanks for the support, encouragement, and love from all of my readers
Xo

Being a 'Troll'

My body is being all kinds of crazy lately and I think i'm now so used to it that I don't even really notice anymore. From my fiance's point of view I have been a 'Bitchy Emotional Troll'...not gonna lie when he said this to me I did nothing but laugh.
It's hard to see the changes in yourself...and maybe its just that I don't want to see the changes in myself. The changes mean that the medication's that I am on are not only combating my endo...but changing me as a person and not for the better. So what are my options.
1. Take no medications and make my bed my new BFF and never leave its comfy sheets
2. Be a crazed hormonal person and risk ruining relationships in my life
3. Try new medications and pray that they don't have the same affects
To be honest I don't like either of these options because either way I pretty much loose in some way or another. So I am now stuck deciding which of these three options I take. Do I really want to never leave my bed....no it's honestly not all that comfy after a while. Do I continue the medication combo that I am currently on and have my fiance hate being around me because I'm just to much to handle. Or do I go to my dr and tell him everything and just be put onto another medication that is probably going to have the same outcomes as the ones that I am on...hormone meds do the same thing...even if they all have different names.
I feel so at a loss right now because no matter what...some aspect of my life is going to suffer. I guess I just have to pick which aspect I don't mind having be destroyed...My body physically...or my relationship with my fiance.
If somebody can make this decision for me then please do. Obviously I would pick to save my relationship because he means the world to me...but then do I make him take care of my physically when I can't get out of bed to even put pants on, I pass out from the pain shooting up my back, or have to be taken to the hospital because of how rough of shape I am in. These things are what happens when I'm not on medication.
Either way I feel like my relationship is going to suffer. Either I stay on meds and be a 'Bitchy Emotional Troll' or I go off of the meds and 'Become one with my bed'.
My endo and I need to come up with a deal...and fast because i'm getting quite pissed off with my lady parts and the crap that it brings.

PS this is a troll...I see no resemblance    

the perfect man

Many women lately have been having some hard times in the 'Love' department. I have seem many stories of women's husbands/boyfriends/lovers leaving them because of this disease and what it brings with it. This disease(along with other chronic pain diseases) are no walk in the park. Not only are you in pain but you get emotional, you body can change physically, and your sex life might be non-existent. These are only a few examples of ways that peoples lives have changed while being sufferers of endometriosis. There certainly are other ways that our lives change, but those are different for every person.
Love is the one thing that shouldn't be compromised.
I am very lucky to be with the man of my dreams. We have been together for about 5 years, are engaged and live together with our two annoying, yet very sweet cats.We met in my first year of university and have been together every since. We have had our ups and downs along the way...but we always loved and supported each other. He was with me when I first started having my symptoms of endo and has stuck with me through everything. He comes to all of my dr appointments(whenever he's available as he is a firefighter) and has been with me for both of my surgery's.
He puts up with my mood swings, my ever changing body, my weird eating habits. Along with being my supporter, lover, fighter, and my number one fan.
I hope that reading this makes some women see that there are many men out there who would be honored to be with them. Even though you have to sift through all of the garbage men along the way...there is a prince charming out there for everybody. I got lucky and found mine early on in life...but that's just me. My father found the love of his life with his second wife. My older sister is still single and has ever even brought somebody home. My friends grandfather found the love of his life at 65 years old...it really is different for everybody.
I know that its hard putting up with all the stupid Man-child-boys that are in the world...but its just a challenge that us women have to win.

    

No sleep might kill me

The last time that I saw my doctor I asked him if my constant nausea and cramping when I slept was a symptom of endo...and he said not that he knew of.

How can what I be feeling not be a symptom. When I go to sleep...it starts off peaceful and lovely. And then I am woken up by extreme nausea, cramping, and shoots of pain going up and down my body. And this has been happening a lot...like almost every night. And I am not the only person who gets this feeling. I have tried heating pads, Gravol, pain killers, menstrual cramping medication ect. I have found nothing that stops/helps the pain. 

So I lay there every night...trying to wait out the pain but doing this really sucks.I think the Gravol helps a little bit...but maybe it just helps put me back to sleep so my body is combating the pain while I'm passed out from medication. If anybody who reads this has an opinion on this night time terror...or has any suggestions on how to help it...that would be great. Because I can't sleep straight through the night and it's really starting to take a tole on my body.

At first I thought that maybe it was what I was eating before bed.(I'm a snacker...no way to deny that one)..and then I ate nothing before bed and it still happened. And its not like this just happens at certain times during the month...because I don't get my period anymore, and haven't for a long time due to my birth control. It just happens a lot throughout the entire month so I can't even say that its my body telling me i'm getting my period.

I just want a decent nights sleep...

I also don't want to be afraid of going to sleep because I know whats going to happen.

If you have any opinions feel free to comment or contact me at:

myendomylife@gmail.com

Or on facebook at;

https://www.facebook.com/myendomylife

Emotions getting the best of me

I must have had one of the worst possible days from hell yesterday.I don't kiss and tell and since this day wasn't related to my endo I am not going to disclose what happened. Only that I have never been so hurt, humiliated, upset, and just down right pissed about something in my entire life.I cried for hours...my head felt like it was going to explode,and now today my eyes are so red and puffy that even make-up cannot help me.
Now this situation did make me upset, there's no doubt in that...but I'm wondering how much of my bad day was being upset...and how much as an extra added bonus from all of the hormone medications that I am on. I am naturally a crier. I cry when I watch sad movies, or laugh to hard, or am put into very uncomfortable positions that I don't know what else to do other than cry...and yes this can be embarrassing but hey nobody is perfect right.
These medications seem to be making my body go over the deep end a little easier than usual.
And honestly its a little funny...but not when your in a situation where tears aren't going to do you any good but then you body's like 'MUAHHHHHAAHAHAHA cry my little darling...CRYYYYY' you can't really control what is going to happen next. At least yesterday wasn't endo related though...I feel like physical pain is sometimes harder to deal with than emotional. For me I know that the emotional pain will keep me down for a few day. I'll eat a lot of ice cream and binge watch Netflix and then in about 24 hours most of my upset is gone and i'm just left with some anger about the situation.Mainly thinking about the 'woulda, coulda, shoulda's'. But the physical pain I never know when it's going to go away. Like last night at about 3 am I woke up with terrible stomach cramps that made me cry and almost hurl...and they just seemed never ending. I laid awake for 2 hours while the pain over took my body. And I thought it was never going to stop. And hell maybe I just got lucky that I woke up this morning and the pain has dissipated. For some women I know that their pain can go on four hours...even days without letting up. You just never know how long its going to stick around.
So even though I slept well into the middle of the day because I was wallowing in self pity...I've had enough ice cream and Netflix and quite possibly might face the world today....Probably not because I'm in my comfy pants but at least I know that tomorrow I can wake up, know that I cannot change the situation that happened, and I can move on. My physical pain follows me around all of the time...but I have control over the emotional.

Throwing in the towel isn't the answer

It has come to my attention that there are way to many women 'throwing in the towel' and letting this disease run their lives. In my opinion you need to stand up and say 'Screw you endo...you don't run my life...I do. So endo either deal with it, or crawl back to the level of hell that you were created in.'
This disease is destroying me from the inside out...and that's not just a figure of speech. I have extreme cramping to the point that I puke, have so much pain that meds only help a little, I bloat so bad that I look 6 months pregnant, and I get sharp shoots of pain up my body that cause me to pass you. My ovaries are being killed, my tubes are being scarred and this disease is threatening my ability to have children...
But I have decided not to sit in a corner and let this all control my life.I want to fight.
I want to fight to have my life, and not let it be controlled by a disease that has no cure. I know that some days it is hard to get out of bed because you are weak and in pain...but you can't let that take away everything in your life. Don't stop doing the things that you love...even if sometimes those things seem hard to do.
Love going to the gym but you're in too much pain...go for a light walk or stretch/do yoga at home.
Love cooking but can't bare to stand to long...sit down and cook.
Love playing with your kids but sometimes its just too hard...pick an easy game like monopoly.
Do smaller, easier tasks that you can still enjoy because you need to keep trying to live your life to the best of your ability. I know that this is a hard thing to do...trust me I never know when I'm gonna feel like a bag of shit and not want to leave my house. But if I can't leave my house then I need to find things that are enjoyable for me to do while staying at home,
I hope that nobody takes what I've said as a negative thing. We all are dealing with a tough situation and not everybody experiences the same symptoms. We just can't 'roll over and die'(this one is a figure of speech). Its not fair to us who as women. Life is a constant struggle to begin with, without throwing this crazy endo curve ball our way. But we must fight...we must fight to keep our lives and not let this disease break out spirit.
If you need someone to talk to..or simply vent to please feel free to contact me at:
myendomylife@gmail.com
or follow me and contact me on facebook at:
https://www.facebook.com/myendomylife

PS>>>I love this show...I miss Yang

Not only physically...but financially draining

I am lucky enough to live in Canada where a lot of my medical bills are covered by the lovely health coverage that is offered to all Canadian citizens. This means that the procedures, and anything that helped to diagnose me, were paid for by my government. This is great for me but I still end up paying a lot for anything extra. I pay for my visanne, nuvaring, pain killers, the healthy food I need in order to follow the 'endo diet'(clean eating basically), vitamins, clothing to fit my ever changing belly ect. These costs are roughly(including the food) about 300$ a month. And this amount is low compared to some other women who also suffer from endo. I recently asked some women whom belong to a support group that I am in to tell me roughly the costs that they have forked out to this disease so far. One women has paid over 20000$ so far to this disease, 800$ alone from last month(location USA). One women also just received a bill for her IUD which was for 24000$(location USA) which is such a crazy amount of money.One women specifically has spend thousands of dollars on just her supplements and food alone(Location UK) And to top these three ladies off...one women estimated that her costs would be over 200,000$ due to many surgeries, medications, ect if not for health insurance covering a lot of that amount(location USA).
Now seeing these numbers...just imagine if you lived in a place that didn't have their procedures covered by their government. Then think if you lived in this place and didn't have health insurance like many people don't have...and then finding out that you have endometriosis. A disease that takes years of tests to diagnose and that doesn't really have a cure, only temporary fixes that range from hormone medications, pain killers, and surgeries.
Just thinking about these amounts of money makes me cringe a little bit. I am very lucky to live where I live, but I am now seeing the real financial aspects of this disease. I am not uneducated and its not like I didn't, to some extent, know what other countries must pay for their procedures...but I never thought the amounts of money could be so high. I know the financial stress that this disease puts on me and my fiance...and my costs can't even be compared to most other women. I want to let other women know that they seem like superhero's compared to me. I can't even start to imagine the financial stress that this disease puts on them, let alone the other stresses that come with the financial. Am I blessed to live where I live...of course, but a lot of women aren't in my situation. An actual cure needs to be found for this disease...because it is financially killing so many people.

Understanding is a problem

Why is it that the world has a very hard time understanding endometriosis and doesn't really qualify it as a huge disability and a disease that causes chronic pain. I have heard many stories of women who have been fired, almost fired and or are having issues with work because their employers don't believe that this disease is as debilitating as it can be. For some women(such as myself) I can have really good days and nobody would ever think that something could be wrong with me physically. But for a lot of women work isn't possible, and if they do work...they take a lot of time off because some days you really can't make yourself get out of bed because you feel nauseous, u can't stand straight because your belly hurts so much, and the pain is so excruciating that even with a huge combination of meds you don't feel any better. And it doesn't help that there isn't an easy way to tell the extent of someones pain because the level of pain that they could be feeling...doesn't necessarily equal out to the stage of endo that they have. Someone who is a stage 1 endo could feel more pain then somebody say like me, who is a stage 4 and my reproductive system is already compromised. This disease doesn't always make sense which is why I think it is hard for a lot of people to be understanding, sympathetic, or even try to 'give a shit' that you have a disease that causes cronic pain along with many other weird, and hard to handle symptoms. I know for me I have gotten lucky with my jobs and have had amazing employers, along with having a great support system. I am not saying that my support system doesn't sometimes get annoyed with hearing me complain about my disease...but they're always there for me when it really counts.
I know that we all need love, support, and for people to take us serious but that isn't likely to happen for everybody. Its sad to say but there will always be those people in life that wont take you serious, will toss you out of their lives because you no longer party/hang out with them, and will never believe that what you are feeling on the inside...can cause so much pain. So you must be there for yourself. Be as selfish as you have to be because in the end...you are the one person that can help you over come this disease and not let it control your life.I know that everyday is a struggle...you're preachin to the choir on that one...but we all need to find ways to live because letting other people control our lives and constantly put us down for our disease is killing us even more than this disease is. I don't mean try to go back to the way our life was before this disease took over, but find things that you can do and enjoy even if you are having a bad day. For me its this blog...for other women it could be reading, knitting, painting, cooking, or even just hanging out with someone who can stand your complaining. Don't let an employer bully you..Standing up to them can be terrifying, but once they start to understand what you go through on a day to day basis...life will get a whole lot easier for you

I just want some sleep

Last night I had the worst sleep that I have had in a long time. Before I had my second lap(2 months ago) I would be woken up from a dead sleep...only to feel like I was dying.

My stomach would be in knots, I would feel nauseous, have extreme cramping...and be on the verge of tears. This lovely event happened again last night and I got next to no sleep because of it. I like sleep...and i'd like to think that sleep likes me. But when I am getting no sleep...that makes for a very angry, grouchy, and impatient Jessica. And what really sucks is that no medication can help me...because I feel so sick that I can't swallow anything without puking it all back up which totally defeats the point of taking a medication to battle the pain. I hope that these lovely night time visits by the endomonster don't keep happening, because I still have managed through everything to hold down my full time job. I would rather not get fired for being to grouchy, or for such a lack of sleep that I barely function at work. Don't get me wrong, by boss is the greatest women, but one day she(or another potential employer) might not be so understanding to what I am going through. Not only does endo affect me during the day by giving me the gift of endo belly, fatigue(I don't need more) and sharp shooting pain through my body, but now it has taken my night time...and its crossing the damn line.

I hate to let my endo win, but last night it took me down in the ring and knocked me out in the first round. I didn't even have the strength to fight back last night. I just laid there, in the fetal position, singing songs in my head trying to keep my mind distracted so that it wouldn't feel the pain. I even wiggle my toes to try and take the attention off of my 'about to hurl' stomach. Alas, none of these things work very well. I would fall asleep after a while, but only for a few moments and then be woken up again by the agonizing pain that was happening in my nether regions.

Drs. say the damnedest things

So today is St. Patty's day...and I think that it brought me some luck today because I had a follow-up appointment with my lovely dr and it wasn't actually terrible news. Although yes I do still have endo, nothing has changed there, there was no bad news really either...well mainly nothing that I didn't already know. I remember when I came out of my second surgery my dr looked at me and was like "So that(referring to the endo in my lady parts) was not what I expected to find."
I finally got to ask him what he meant and he just laughed because he realized that he kind of scared the crap out of me with that comment and that it had been bugging me since he said it. Basically from the notes about my first surgery, to him looking at my insides for the second...a major crap ton on endo had grown absolutely everywhere...and I mean everywhere. He pointed to a little diagram of my lady parts and just happened to point to everywhere. The severity, the amounts, and the locations shocked him completely and he told me that he wasn't in the least surprised about the pain and many other symptoms that I have been having. A lot had grown back over just a years time...and I think that's what scares my dr(and I as well) because that means that basically every year I will have a mandatory lap as to both keep track of the endo and see how much(if any) has grown back. He is hoping though that with him putting me on both the Nuvaring and Visanne at the same time, that it will hopefully...fingers crossed...slow down the growth of the endo. And although combining these medications might do nothing, at least there is a little bit of hope that I can hold onto.
Now I have promised myself that some topics about endo are private between me and my partner and that I would never write things that I wouldn't be comfortable telling my parents. I think its a good way of monitoring what I say on the internet...you never know who could be reading this. That being said my dr said something to be today that made me laugh so hard...mainly because of what he said...and also because he fully meant and owned his sassy comment like any dr should.
"If you don't use it...you'll loose it"...that's exactly what he said to me.
Most women who have endo understand the complications with umm....with well having sex with their partners and this is what he was referring to. He said many women stop trying to have sex but that it is as "essential as eating or breathing"...and that if you don't at least try to have intimacy with your partner...it will eventually became extremely hard to come back from. My dr just has my best interests on his mind eh... So ladies(and gentleman)...
IF YOU DON'T USE IT...YOU'LL LOOSE IT!!!...I just love my dr and his sass
Also ladies and gents don't forget about the new email I made for this account. So if you have questions, comments, or just need to vent...feel free to contact me anytime.
myendomylife@gmail.com

'Love is all you need'- The Beatles

Along with running this blog, I am a member of a lot of different support groups...yes even I need support and help every once in a while. My ability to use words to make people laugh is a gift that has helped me keep smiling on the darkest of days. But something today broke my heart...so there will be no humor in this post, only love, sympathy, and support.
On one of the groups I am part of, I read about a fellow endo women who's love of her life just left her...because of a disease that she has no control over. When I read this, I couldn't help but feel so much sympathy and want to show this women all the love that she deserves. I read through the comments and found many more women sharing their stories about their lovers, boyfriends, and husbands leaving them because of issues that ultimately come back to endometriosis.
I know that the things that I write don't reach that many women...but I hope to hell that the few it does reach...it at least helps one women who is suffering from a disease that we have no control over.I am very lucky to have an amazing support system. My father and step mother always lend a hand when possible(they live in another province), my sister is always there to listen when I need to vent, and my fiance is with me all of the time and is always helping me realize that even though I cannot beat this disease, that I am loved and can fight. Nobody in my support group suffers from this disease, but they are always willing to listen and try to understand what I am going through.
I am now realizing that there are too many women in the world that don't have the support that I have, which is one f the main reasons I started this blog. I am a very friendly, open, outgoing, and honest person. All of these things allow for me to tell funny but very realistic stories about my suffering.So I want to try and support as many women as I possible can which is why I ahve created a private email address for this blog so that any women who need to talk, share their stories, or simply need someone to vent to, can email me directly.

myendomylife@gmail.com will be a fully private(unless you give me permission to share anything) area where women can email be anytime they need too. I want them to know that there is support and love for them. And even if nobody ever emails me, I will rest easy knowing that I love and support each women who is suffering.

Emotions be runnin' wild

I actually just cried during an episode of 'Full House'...like what the hell.
I have now been on visanne for over a month now, and that has been combined with me being on the nuvaring as all times as well. I think by body is having a hormonal overload...and its quite comical. Its not even like 'Full House' is a sad TV show...its a fricken comedy mainly. If I were to cry at something that was actually sad and extremely emotional then this problem wouldn't concern me as much...but 'Full House'...come on man how pathetic is that.
I told my fiance what happened...he just looked at me and laughed. The random crying and getting emotional has been happening for the past few weeks and it can be over the stupidest things. My fiance tickled me and I got a little annoyed....but then I started to cry from being a little annoyed.Then he started to laugh a me because I was crying....and I in turn started to cry more because I was annoyed but laughing at the same time.
I'm not sure if all of this is actually kinda normal, or if I should tell my dr whats been happening.
Combining these two medications might also explain my extreme moodiness, my hot flashes so bad you would think I am going through menopause, my hair falling out by the brush-full, and my allergies have really stepped it up a notch(normally allergy meds keep my sneezing and itchy eyes under control...but not lately)I just keep wondering if having these side effects are worth the slight chance that my pain might become manageable....but there is also a huge chance that the combination of these two medications will do nothing for my pain and won't slow own the growth of my endo...and simply just leave me with crazy side effects.
Emotions...get your shit together.

Endo...a leading cause

Endometriosis, I am sad to say, is one of the leading causes of infertility in women. Drs say that between 30-50% of women whom suffer from endo, have a hard time conceiving. And if you are diagnosed as a stage 4, that you will have an even harder time conceiving, if you can even conceive at all. All of this is due to the affects that this disease has on our reproductive organs. It can influence fertility in a number of different ways: distorted anatomy of the pelvis, adhesion's, scarred fallopian tubes, inflammation of the pelvic structures, altered immune system functioning, changes in the hormonal environment of the eggs, impaired implantation of a pregnancy, and altered egg quality.
The idea of not being able to have children, is a scary thought for most women. But what I find even scarier is not having a choice whether to have children or not. When I got out of my surgery from my second lap, my dr came to talk to me. he goes:
'Well that wasn't at all what I expected to find today(long pause). I removed as much as I could but wasn't able to get everything. And this is hard to hear but your tubes are now scared and the endo was all over your ovaries, tubes, and uterus.The next time you come in we need to talk about whether or not you want to have children.'
Now I was on a lot of drugs at the time(and loving life I might add) but that scared the crap out of me and I am so nervous to see my dr on the 17th of this month.I am only 22 and am now being asked whether or not I want to have children...and if I do, how soon. Even though I love my fiance, we have talked about this topic so many times..because we feel that neither of us are established in life yet, and that having a child isn't in our best interest. I am terrified though, that if I want children, its going to be now or never,
And who knows, maybe in five years I could end up getting pregnant, or maybe in two years my ovaries could be completely killed and my tubes to scarred that having children isn't even an option anymore. These options are terrifying...and I hate not being able to control this aspect of my life. I have always been a rational and realistic person, but this topic and the idea of possibly never having children, makes me just a little bit 'Mad as the Hatter'.

from size 3 to size 13

In the past 5 years I have fluctuated in my weight and ultimately have now become a size 13...when I used to be a size 3(I will post pictures to show the differences). I know that this isn't just to do with my endo but also the depression, bloating, comfort eating, painful exercise ect that are common side affects for many women. And now I am on some hormone medications that aren't helping me either.
I love myself, don't get me wrong. But when I think about the cloths I used to wear and the way I used to feel about myself, it's hard to be OK with the way I look right now. Every women is beautiful no matter what others tell us, but the way that we think about ourselves makes us think that we aren't beautiful. With the way society portrays the 'Sexy, Skinny, and Attractive' women...its no wonder that so many women have such self-doubt. My fiance always tells me that i'm beautiful...but I can't help but think about the women that he fell in love with 4.5 years ago. Yes me thinking that is crazy...which my fiance tells me all of the time...but it's hard not to think that way sometimes. We, and by we I mean women in general, need a strong support system because it's hard to swim through the giant ocean called 'The digital age' which gives unattainable and false ideas of what we are 'supposed' to look like.
In this first photo...this was the first year I started experiencing any endo pain...yes these are also my prom pictures lol,...so quite a few years ago. I'm the girl in the green dress



And this is me now...

Why We March

I hope that we will gain support and recognition
I wish that this march will help us find a cure
I pray that women will no longer suffer in silence

Although I am not able to attend the march in either the US or Canada, I will be there in spirit. This disease has affected me for so many years and I did suffer in silence, but I will no longer do that. I will stand up and say 'Hell ya my vagina is hostile, angry, and killing me from the inside out...But am I going to let this stop me from living my life and continuing to give support and give a bit of laughter to the world...HELL NO.'
Please if you are able to attend an EndoMarch on March 28th, stand there with pride and be a loud supporter.March for yourself, mothers, daughters, cousins, and for women that don't have a support group. Suffering alone is not the way to go. If I didn't have a loving, caring, and very understanding fiance...I would have given up my fight a long time ago.

 

Visanne...not doin it for me

So I have officially been on visanne for a month now and don't feel any sort of change...other that random crying and major bloating from being on both birth control and visanne at the same time( which apparentlt youre not supposed to do but I seem to be the special case scenario).
To be honest i'm quite dissapointed that there had been no change for me.I acknowledge the fact that I have not been on it for that long but I was also told that I would feel a change not long after starting visanne. I needed to be one of the women that this pill worked for because I dont have very many options at this stage in the game. I have a followup appointment with my dr for my post opt stuff this month...and he is not going to like it when I tell him I haven't felt a change. It makes me so nervous thinking that this hasn't helped me because my fiance and I were really looking for some sort of fix. Yet I continue to have to take pain killers, use heating pads, and even started a new regiment of vitamins in hopes that  everything working together may take away some pain. I could deal with the random crying and cravings for all the 'bad' food if that meant I wasn't in pain...but that doesn't seem to be the case.Ive got to start looking at different options and go into this appointment with a major game plan because getting my lady parts chopped out isnt an option at the moment...not even a little bit. I like my lady parts...not ready to see them go yet

No wheat...no fun

So it has only been a few days since I started going 'wheat free'....and my god is it difficult. I like bread, I like pasta, and I especially like baked goods. I went to culinary school to become a pastry artist(hopefully a pastry chef one day)...this no wheat thing is torture. Every day at work for lunch I used to have panini's which are delicious by the way...if you're not eating them you should be, and now I can't have them. I like to bake and make lovely desserts(most of which use some sort of flour), but I also like to try what I make, and that's no longer possible.
I realize that I am doing this for my health and to maybe help my body feel better...but every time I see a dessert or some bread I want to secretly take it, hide in another room(so that my fiance doesn't catch me cheating at this diet), and eat the scrumptious wheat filled product even though its making my body feel like crap. In today's society flour is in so many different products that it is difficult to cut this main ingredient from your diet. In culinary school flour is a staple ingredient to at least 85% of desserts we are taught to make. You can use other flours that do not contain wheat for some products, but most don't work for a lot of things.
To help me try and stick to this 'wheat free' idea, my fiance has chosen to also cut out wheat from his diet...and he is totally fine with it. Nothing like a support group that is enjoying the diet while you're sitting in the corner, smuggling in baked goods, and pretending like you're not eating them even though the chocolate on your face says otherwise.
To some people my inability to stick to a wheat free diet(that hasn't happened yet but i'm not holding my breath that I won't cheat) may show a lack of willpower...but I will tell you this. Tell me the products at the bottom of this page don't look amazing. Tell me that if you were in constant pain and food was your BFF that you wont have a hard time resisting...and tell me that when you are left alone that you wouldn't cheat...because nobody would know but you and you are totally fine with that :P(I made everything in the photo's by the way)

 

Mehhhhh, no big deal

So I feel that my body should be pretty much healed now that it has been about 3 weeks since my lap. I was back on my feet after the first week(minus the fall I had while walking home because ice is not my friend) and now my stomach no longer hurts and my incisions are healed. But for the past few days I have been having this burning feeling on my insides right about where my right ovary should be. It feels like a stabbing pain combined with excessive heat(like if you were to hold your hand over a candle flame)...that kind of burning. And it hurts so damn much. The feeling makes me nauseous and its painful to stand straight. I realize that my body is probably still healing but this is not a feeling that I have ever felt before, nor did I experience his feeling after my first lap.
With my luck(yes I have none) this is a new symptom that I am now going to have to learn how to cope with....YAAA ME.
Is it sad or funny that this feeling doesn't overly concern me though...
You know something is bad when you have a new symptom and you go...

Pain, Pain...Go Away

So it has now been well over 2 weeks since I hap my lap...I'm fully healed and yet I am still in just as much pain as I was before the surgery. I have burning in my insides, it hurts my bladder like crazy whenever i have to pee...and I have almost constant cramps :(
I have asked a few people and they've told me that this is normal...but for god-sake I just want my lady parts to feel better so that my life can feel kinda...sorta...maybe a little bit normal.
My life as been affected in every single way since my symptoms of this disease first appeared...And I mean every part of my life...(even the private parts of my life that I have promised my fiance I would never speak about on my blog).
I want this pain to stop...but I don't know if it ever will

Endo-1...Jessica-0

Today endo my much hated friend..you won the battle. Back pain, excessive cramping and what is described as contractions(never had kids and not looking forward to the pain if its anything like what I am feeling), major bloating(pants no longer fit), and finally upset stomach. And all these lovely things started while I was at work just doing my own thing, not trying to piss off my endo or anything.
I even had to ask my boss if I could go to the pharmacy to try and find anything that might help with the pain so I could make it through the rest of my shift. My only help was a heating pad. Although these are supposed to be used for back pain, they work for ladyparts pain just as well. They strap to your body and heat your insides. This helped with some of the pain, but just barely enough to not puke during my shift. While at the pharmacy, the pharmacist suggested that I try a 'Wheat Free' cleanse. Basically cut out all(or as much as I can) wheat products for a month and see if it helps with the pain or bloating. This isn't the first time this has been mentioned to me but I never took it serious. I guess that wheat causes inflammation in your insides which can contribute to the pain that most of us feel. Part of me feels that this cleanse might be a crock of crap...but another part of me is willing to try just about anything because options are limited. Either this cleanse could help me...or it could do nothing. Not a win-win situation...but definitely not loosing anything either.

So I realize that I haven't posted in a while, and I apologize for this. My fiance works crazy hours and is gone for days at a time, so when he is home I try to spend as much time with him as possible. He was home for about 72h and then went right back to work which I can assure you is the least liked part of my day.
Although I haven't blogged, I have been keeping track of comments and such either on my blog, or on the other areas in which I post my story. I would like to thank every person who has responded to my blog and who find it beneficial. I have officially reached 1000 views which is wayyyy more than I expected to ever reach in such a short period of time. Here is some of the lovely feedback I have been receiving.Thank you ladies(or possibly gentleman, i don't know for sure if you are women) for your comments and support

I know how you feel you poor thing. I am 23, been diagnosed for 5 years with 3 laps and a cystectomy. You are a very brave lady and if you ever need to talk , I will be following your blog  x
-This is from Ella

Cheers! People just don't get it, my boss welcomed me back after surgery on Monday....and piled a load of crap on me yesterday. I cried a lot, he ran away looking awkward, lol! Thank you                           -This is from Pembs

Lol the annoying bit made me laugh know where u at! an this place really does help an it gives me strength just to know u not alone because this disease really does make u go insane in your head at times so go girls x and thank you x                                                                                                              -This is from Tui

chips aren't friends...and also not food

Since I was diagnosed with endometriosis...actually even before that when I was just having the symptoms and everybody told me I was crazy, food became my best friend.
And I think that it is time to try and make a real big change, and for the better.
Since my symptoms started about 5 years ago I have gained about 50 pounds...give or take a few when i'm not bloated like crazy. I weighed 105 pounds, could run for long periods of time, and never felt uncomfortable when trying to buy cloths or going out in public.
This is just another one of the gut-wrenching, confidence killing, mind screwing symptoms of this disease...weight gain.
Although this doesn't happen for everybody, it has happened to me. Its not necessarily the medications that cause this...its the stress, depression, and knowing that you can control whatever you want to eat. I turn to food for comfort, and that needs to change.
Its so easy to sit down with a bag of Cheetos and not notice that you are reaching the bottom of the bag. Its easy to buy the sodium filled snacks, because they're cheap and taste great at first.
By the time you have eating all of the crappy food you start to feel just as crappy as the food is. But on the way down it tastes so good, makes me feel satisfied, and I forget about my problems for a little while.
I know the food isn't good for me and i'm slowing cutting back but its going to be a long journey...
Plus I just really hate going to the damn gym

EndoMarch: What it means to me

Since I was asked to blog about the EndoMarch tonight's post is going to be exactly that. The EndoMarch to me means that this disease is finally being taken very seriously and will be given a chance to fight itself. There are millions of different walks advocating for cancer research, alzheimers, lupus, ect. And yet this is only the second year that there has been a walk for endometriosis awareness.This disease effects about 6.3 million in the US, 1 million in Canada, and millions more around the world. This disease has no cure, but there are different treatments that might help improve a patients quality of life. I have tried quite a few of there different treatments with little improvement, in fact I have now been diagnosed a stage 3. I am hoping that this walk will bring awareness to the rest of the world, make those who are suffering fight back, and hopefully prompt doctors into continuing research in order to find out what causes this disease. Even though I will probably continue to suffer I hope that research will eventually make it so that others don't have to experience what I and many others experience on a day to day basis.

http://www.endomarch.org/

Ripped my pants...I mean stitches

Its been over a week now since I hap my lap and I thought I was doing pretty good. Been able to use my stomach muscles more and my fiance no longer has to help me put my socks and pants on(god love him he's a damn saint). This morning though I woke up and went to change the bandages on my stomach only to find...BLOOD. That's right my incision was bleeding and I totally freaked out. My fiance is a firefighter and is out on a job so it is just me at my place with my two cats right now...and I didn't know what to do.  I though I was healed, but I guess I was wrong.
I went to the clinic near my place and the dr told me that it seemed that I ripped a stitch. Basically I either a)rolled over in my sleep the wrong way ,b)used the muscles in my stomach to much, c) I need to fart more because the gas in my stomach has nowhere to go so it blew a stitch to get released...or my fav answer d) I took a poop that put to much pressure on my tummy and I blew a stitch that way.
My lesson of the day children...don't take big poops lol
I now basically have to treat my body like its the second day after my surgery. Work is very interesting having to keep that in mind. My boss thinks its funny how I can't put away most of the dishes because the shelves are to high for me to reach to at the moment. And the sumo squats that I am doing in order to get things off lower shelves are going to make my legs jacked as hell and my butt muscles nice and tight. At least I'm getting something out of this comical torture...toned butt and thighs.
These are my nurses for the next week...God help me ;p
                                           

Workin Hard for the Money

I am not gonna lie and say that after you have a surgery that for the first few days, you will feel like crap and then its gonna be rainbows and unicorns pooping cottoncandy. Its been eight days since my lap and most people would be feeling pretty good.I myself feel ok with a side dish of 'Standing for 6 hours making drinks and serving customers was no walk in the park'. For the first few hours I felt great, but by the end of my shift boy was my stomach just hurtin.
So this post is going to be short and sweet as I am going to bed extra early tonight.
I uploaded some videos to my blog as well so let me know how they work out if you wouldn't mind.They are of different endo rally's.
Sweet dreams everybody, I'm officially turning in for the night in hopes that tomorrow will be a little less painful

Worldwide EndoMarch

Good Morning Ladies(and possibly)Gents
In the past few days since starting this blog I have gotten a lot of feedback and private responses in different ways about how this blog is helping women around the globe.Although I will never publicly name the brave people that give me feedback and comments because I am part of quite a few different endo networks, this was one of my responses that i just received.

Snap! I have so much in my head that this was a great way to spew it all out, and you are right if it helps others that's fab.  I have found it saves me telling friends and family so much, enough but not too much I get annoying

Whomever this lovely women is I would like to thank you for your response even though I do not know your name and know only that you reside in the United Kingdom. I live in Canada and this blog reached somebody who lives over the pond which I find amazing.
A few nights ago I contacted the 'Worldwide EndoMarch'(located in Washington, D.C.) Committe which is sponsered and founded by Dr.Camran Nezhat, Dr. Farr Nezhat, Dr Ceana Nezhat and Dr Adazeh Nezhat. I was offering to share my story with them in hopes that others might connect to my story. This morning I received an answer. They said that 'they would be honored to put my blog on their website' and asked me if I would join their 'Bloggers Unite' program that united bloggers from different communities. Obvi I said yes to this offer.
So for the next little while I will be dedicating some of my posts to their 'Bloggers Unite' program.I will still make regular posts, theirs will just be worked into the mix.Since I missed the deadline for their first post(Feb 2nd, I was having my lap surgery) I will be making up for that tonight. Thank you for the support from my followers(from all around the world) and thank you to the 'Worldwide Endomarch' for giving me the opportunity to blog for them and share my story even more.

For more information on the 'Worldwide EndoMarch' please visit:
http://www.endomarch.org/

Relaxation

Tomorrow I start my first day back at work since I took the time off for my surgery. I work in a small cafe and I love my job so much...but am not looking forward to having to wear real pants.This entire week I have been in over sized pajama pants because my stomach was the size of a 5 month pregnant women( guess I will know what to expect when I actually become preggo). These pants are so roomy, soft, fluffy, and don't make me feel suffocated like a pair of jeans do. For about a week at work I could probably get away with wearing my sweatpants and yoga pants....but I feel that eventually i'm gonna have to squeeze my chubby ass into a pair of jeans just to look acceptable to the rest of the world.
Even though my stomach has shrank a significant amount since my surgery, I still have what some women call 'The Endo Belly'. I have(although I'm hating to admit this) gained weight in the past few years due to my endo, the stress(I'm a stress eater), depression, and not doing as much physical activity as I should be doing...i really just hate the gym with a passion. But what happens to my belly is completely different. One minute my stomach looks flat,delightful, and I'm not embarrassed to wear tight shirts. The next minute my stomach can bloat out like crazy for no actual reason. I am a petite person(only being 4'11 in height) so when my stomach decides to magically grow, its mortifying and I get ashamed of my body. I love myself, don't get me wrong. I am proud of myself, what I have accomplished in life, and I don't think I am overly displeasing to look at. But when my body decides to have a freak out, i resort back to being a 16 year old girl who was constantly worrying about her looks and weight...Which is a feeling that I hate because I know that I am perfect just the way I am(Or so my fiance tells me...god love him and his little fibs to make me feel beautiful).

Recently I mentioned the laparscopic surgery that I had and I just thought that I would elaborate for those who either don't know what it is, are thinking of having one done, have questions or concerns about them, or just in general want to hear my experience.
I went in for my second surgery on Feb 2nd, which was groundhog day and my Dads birthday...Happy birthday dad I forgot to call you because I was high on drugs...My bad.
This surgery was an exploratory surgery where the doctors make two(possibly three) incisions into your belly(mine the bellybutton and a little to the left). They then use a scope and a tool that will basically singe off any endometriosis that they find while making scrambled eggs in your belly.
I woke up from my surgery and honestly coming off of an anesthetic is the strangest thing in the world. Its like a dream except a part of you knows that what you say or do can actually be seen by the rest of the world. Honestly everything went pretty well.My fiance later told me that when I came back into the resting area that I requested a Popsicle, and proceeded to stare off into space and about every minute...would lick the Popsicle. He said that he was surprised that the Popsicle didn't melt before I finished it. My words came out perfectly when I spoke, but I don't think that I was all there for a while. Overall I'm glad I had this second lap done because I found out that I am now in stage 3 of this disease and that the doctors need to be more aggressive with my treatments. Meaning birthcontrol, the drug Visanne, and anything else they can think of will be combined to hopefully stall the progression. I just hope my hair doesn't fall out from these crazy hormonal combinations of drugs... don't think I could rock the bald look very well

I recently had a laparoscopy in order to help reduce the constant pain that I have because of my endo. Currently I am sitting on the couch because it hurts to walk around. I had the surgery on Monday and it has now been a week full of having my fiance help me put socks and pants on, not being able to eat much food because T3's make me sick, and only being able to sleep on my back with my legs in the air because laying flat hurts like a biatchhh. I have had this surgery before but this one has had a much harder recovery due to the fact that I am now in the stage 3 category of my disease.
There are four stages to this disease:
Stage 1-minimal
Stage 2-mild
Stage 3-moderate
Stage 4-severe
Each stage is based on the amount of the disease, location, depth, and size of the endometrial growths. The weird thing about all of this is that even if you are a stage 4 you could be in less pain than somebody who is a stage 1. So I would personally like to give a huge 'THANKYOU' to this disease for making absolutely no sense, not having a cure, and for affecting about 2 to 10 percent of women in the world who are of childbearing age. Go home endo...you be crazy.

Endo

According to the MedlinePlus Encyclopedia, which is a service of the U.S. National 
Library of Medicine, the definition of Endometriosis is as follows:

Endometriosis

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Endometriosis occurs when cells from the lining of your womb
 (uterus) grow in other areas of your body. This can cause pain, 
heavy bleeding, bleeding between periods, and problems getting 
pregnant(infertility).

Although this definition makes this disease sound 'Mehhhh' or 'Not so Bad' 
or maybe even 'Controllable'...I am personally telling you that it is no 
such walk in the damn park.
The big kicker in the nuts(and yes I do realize that I do not have nuts, 
I in fact have ovaries but those are hard to kick) is that this disease has no cure. Yes, there are different treatments and procedures that can help manage the 
effects of the disease,but the only sure fire way to get rid of this disease is to chop 
out your lady parts entirely(no i do not find this a good option and it is only
 for those who do not want children). Personally...I like my lady parts right 
where they are, even though they are hostile, aggressive,
 and down right killing my body.

Remember

Remember when you were a child and whenever you hurt yourself, how people would always tell you that the pain wasn't as bad as you were making it out to be...
People are crazy.
For years I was told that there was nothing wrong with me and that the pain I was feeling was all in my head.It took about four years, numerous adventures into emerge, many blood tests, a billion ultrasounds that were inconclusive, and about five different doctors before somebody could finally tell me what was wrong with my body.
I am 22 years old and I have Endometriosis.