the perfect man

Many women lately have been having some hard times in the 'Love' department. I have seem many stories of women's husbands/boyfriends/lovers leaving them because of this disease and what it brings with it. This disease(along with other chronic pain diseases) are no walk in the park. Not only are you in pain but you get emotional, you body can change physically, and your sex life might be non-existent. These are only a few examples of ways that peoples lives have changed while being sufferers of endometriosis. There certainly are other ways that our lives change, but those are different for every person.
Love is the one thing that shouldn't be compromised.
I am very lucky to be with the man of my dreams. We have been together for about 5 years, are engaged and live together with our two annoying, yet very sweet cats.We met in my first year of university and have been together every since. We have had our ups and downs along the way...but we always loved and supported each other. He was with me when I first started having my symptoms of endo and has stuck with me through everything. He comes to all of my dr appointments(whenever he's available as he is a firefighter) and has been with me for both of my surgery's.
He puts up with my mood swings, my ever changing body, my weird eating habits. Along with being my supporter, lover, fighter, and my number one fan.
I hope that reading this makes some women see that there are many men out there who would be honored to be with them. Even though you have to sift through all of the garbage men along the way...there is a prince charming out there for everybody. I got lucky and found mine early on in life...but that's just me. My father found the love of his life with his second wife. My older sister is still single and has ever even brought somebody home. My friends grandfather found the love of his life at 65 years old...it really is different for everybody.
I know that its hard putting up with all the stupid Man-child-boys that are in the world...but its just a challenge that us women have to win.

    

No sleep might kill me

The last time that I saw my doctor I asked him if my constant nausea and cramping when I slept was a symptom of endo...and he said not that he knew of.

How can what I be feeling not be a symptom. When I go to sleep...it starts off peaceful and lovely. And then I am woken up by extreme nausea, cramping, and shoots of pain going up and down my body. And this has been happening a lot...like almost every night. And I am not the only person who gets this feeling. I have tried heating pads, Gravol, pain killers, menstrual cramping medication ect. I have found nothing that stops/helps the pain. 

So I lay there every night...trying to wait out the pain but doing this really sucks.I think the Gravol helps a little bit...but maybe it just helps put me back to sleep so my body is combating the pain while I'm passed out from medication. If anybody who reads this has an opinion on this night time terror...or has any suggestions on how to help it...that would be great. Because I can't sleep straight through the night and it's really starting to take a tole on my body.

At first I thought that maybe it was what I was eating before bed.(I'm a snacker...no way to deny that one)..and then I ate nothing before bed and it still happened. And its not like this just happens at certain times during the month...because I don't get my period anymore, and haven't for a long time due to my birth control. It just happens a lot throughout the entire month so I can't even say that its my body telling me i'm getting my period.

I just want a decent nights sleep...

I also don't want to be afraid of going to sleep because I know whats going to happen.

If you have any opinions feel free to comment or contact me at:

myendomylife@gmail.com

Or on facebook at;

https://www.facebook.com/myendomylife

Emotions getting the best of me

I must have had one of the worst possible days from hell yesterday.I don't kiss and tell and since this day wasn't related to my endo I am not going to disclose what happened. Only that I have never been so hurt, humiliated, upset, and just down right pissed about something in my entire life.I cried for hours...my head felt like it was going to explode,and now today my eyes are so red and puffy that even make-up cannot help me.
Now this situation did make me upset, there's no doubt in that...but I'm wondering how much of my bad day was being upset...and how much as an extra added bonus from all of the hormone medications that I am on. I am naturally a crier. I cry when I watch sad movies, or laugh to hard, or am put into very uncomfortable positions that I don't know what else to do other than cry...and yes this can be embarrassing but hey nobody is perfect right.
These medications seem to be making my body go over the deep end a little easier than usual.
And honestly its a little funny...but not when your in a situation where tears aren't going to do you any good but then you body's like 'MUAHHHHHAAHAHAHA cry my little darling...CRYYYYY' you can't really control what is going to happen next. At least yesterday wasn't endo related though...I feel like physical pain is sometimes harder to deal with than emotional. For me I know that the emotional pain will keep me down for a few day. I'll eat a lot of ice cream and binge watch Netflix and then in about 24 hours most of my upset is gone and i'm just left with some anger about the situation.Mainly thinking about the 'woulda, coulda, shoulda's'. But the physical pain I never know when it's going to go away. Like last night at about 3 am I woke up with terrible stomach cramps that made me cry and almost hurl...and they just seemed never ending. I laid awake for 2 hours while the pain over took my body. And I thought it was never going to stop. And hell maybe I just got lucky that I woke up this morning and the pain has dissipated. For some women I know that their pain can go on four hours...even days without letting up. You just never know how long its going to stick around.
So even though I slept well into the middle of the day because I was wallowing in self pity...I've had enough ice cream and Netflix and quite possibly might face the world today....Probably not because I'm in my comfy pants but at least I know that tomorrow I can wake up, know that I cannot change the situation that happened, and I can move on. My physical pain follows me around all of the time...but I have control over the emotional.

Throwing in the towel isn't the answer

It has come to my attention that there are way to many women 'throwing in the towel' and letting this disease run their lives. In my opinion you need to stand up and say 'Screw you endo...you don't run my life...I do. So endo either deal with it, or crawl back to the level of hell that you were created in.'
This disease is destroying me from the inside out...and that's not just a figure of speech. I have extreme cramping to the point that I puke, have so much pain that meds only help a little, I bloat so bad that I look 6 months pregnant, and I get sharp shoots of pain up my body that cause me to pass you. My ovaries are being killed, my tubes are being scarred and this disease is threatening my ability to have children...
But I have decided not to sit in a corner and let this all control my life.I want to fight.
I want to fight to have my life, and not let it be controlled by a disease that has no cure. I know that some days it is hard to get out of bed because you are weak and in pain...but you can't let that take away everything in your life. Don't stop doing the things that you love...even if sometimes those things seem hard to do.
Love going to the gym but you're in too much pain...go for a light walk or stretch/do yoga at home.
Love cooking but can't bare to stand to long...sit down and cook.
Love playing with your kids but sometimes its just too hard...pick an easy game like monopoly.
Do smaller, easier tasks that you can still enjoy because you need to keep trying to live your life to the best of your ability. I know that this is a hard thing to do...trust me I never know when I'm gonna feel like a bag of shit and not want to leave my house. But if I can't leave my house then I need to find things that are enjoyable for me to do while staying at home,
I hope that nobody takes what I've said as a negative thing. We all are dealing with a tough situation and not everybody experiences the same symptoms. We just can't 'roll over and die'(this one is a figure of speech). Its not fair to us who as women. Life is a constant struggle to begin with, without throwing this crazy endo curve ball our way. But we must fight...we must fight to keep our lives and not let this disease break out spirit.
If you need someone to talk to..or simply vent to please feel free to contact me at:
myendomylife@gmail.com
or follow me and contact me on facebook at:
https://www.facebook.com/myendomylife

PS>>>I love this show...I miss Yang

Not only physically...but financially draining

I am lucky enough to live in Canada where a lot of my medical bills are covered by the lovely health coverage that is offered to all Canadian citizens. This means that the procedures, and anything that helped to diagnose me, were paid for by my government. This is great for me but I still end up paying a lot for anything extra. I pay for my visanne, nuvaring, pain killers, the healthy food I need in order to follow the 'endo diet'(clean eating basically), vitamins, clothing to fit my ever changing belly ect. These costs are roughly(including the food) about 300$ a month. And this amount is low compared to some other women who also suffer from endo. I recently asked some women whom belong to a support group that I am in to tell me roughly the costs that they have forked out to this disease so far. One women has paid over 20000$ so far to this disease, 800$ alone from last month(location USA). One women also just received a bill for her IUD which was for 24000$(location USA) which is such a crazy amount of money.One women specifically has spend thousands of dollars on just her supplements and food alone(Location UK) And to top these three ladies off...one women estimated that her costs would be over 200,000$ due to many surgeries, medications, ect if not for health insurance covering a lot of that amount(location USA).
Now seeing these numbers...just imagine if you lived in a place that didn't have their procedures covered by their government. Then think if you lived in this place and didn't have health insurance like many people don't have...and then finding out that you have endometriosis. A disease that takes years of tests to diagnose and that doesn't really have a cure, only temporary fixes that range from hormone medications, pain killers, and surgeries.
Just thinking about these amounts of money makes me cringe a little bit. I am very lucky to live where I live, but I am now seeing the real financial aspects of this disease. I am not uneducated and its not like I didn't, to some extent, know what other countries must pay for their procedures...but I never thought the amounts of money could be so high. I know the financial stress that this disease puts on me and my fiance...and my costs can't even be compared to most other women. I want to let other women know that they seem like superhero's compared to me. I can't even start to imagine the financial stress that this disease puts on them, let alone the other stresses that come with the financial. Am I blessed to live where I live...of course, but a lot of women aren't in my situation. An actual cure needs to be found for this disease...because it is financially killing so many people.

Understanding is a problem

Why is it that the world has a very hard time understanding endometriosis and doesn't really qualify it as a huge disability and a disease that causes chronic pain. I have heard many stories of women who have been fired, almost fired and or are having issues with work because their employers don't believe that this disease is as debilitating as it can be. For some women(such as myself) I can have really good days and nobody would ever think that something could be wrong with me physically. But for a lot of women work isn't possible, and if they do work...they take a lot of time off because some days you really can't make yourself get out of bed because you feel nauseous, u can't stand straight because your belly hurts so much, and the pain is so excruciating that even with a huge combination of meds you don't feel any better. And it doesn't help that there isn't an easy way to tell the extent of someones pain because the level of pain that they could be feeling...doesn't necessarily equal out to the stage of endo that they have. Someone who is a stage 1 endo could feel more pain then somebody say like me, who is a stage 4 and my reproductive system is already compromised. This disease doesn't always make sense which is why I think it is hard for a lot of people to be understanding, sympathetic, or even try to 'give a shit' that you have a disease that causes cronic pain along with many other weird, and hard to handle symptoms. I know for me I have gotten lucky with my jobs and have had amazing employers, along with having a great support system. I am not saying that my support system doesn't sometimes get annoyed with hearing me complain about my disease...but they're always there for me when it really counts.
I know that we all need love, support, and for people to take us serious but that isn't likely to happen for everybody. Its sad to say but there will always be those people in life that wont take you serious, will toss you out of their lives because you no longer party/hang out with them, and will never believe that what you are feeling on the inside...can cause so much pain. So you must be there for yourself. Be as selfish as you have to be because in the end...you are the one person that can help you over come this disease and not let it control your life.I know that everyday is a struggle...you're preachin to the choir on that one...but we all need to find ways to live because letting other people control our lives and constantly put us down for our disease is killing us even more than this disease is. I don't mean try to go back to the way our life was before this disease took over, but find things that you can do and enjoy even if you are having a bad day. For me its this blog...for other women it could be reading, knitting, painting, cooking, or even just hanging out with someone who can stand your complaining. Don't let an employer bully you..Standing up to them can be terrifying, but once they start to understand what you go through on a day to day basis...life will get a whole lot easier for you

I just want some sleep

Last night I had the worst sleep that I have had in a long time. Before I had my second lap(2 months ago) I would be woken up from a dead sleep...only to feel like I was dying.

My stomach would be in knots, I would feel nauseous, have extreme cramping...and be on the verge of tears. This lovely event happened again last night and I got next to no sleep because of it. I like sleep...and i'd like to think that sleep likes me. But when I am getting no sleep...that makes for a very angry, grouchy, and impatient Jessica. And what really sucks is that no medication can help me...because I feel so sick that I can't swallow anything without puking it all back up which totally defeats the point of taking a medication to battle the pain. I hope that these lovely night time visits by the endomonster don't keep happening, because I still have managed through everything to hold down my full time job. I would rather not get fired for being to grouchy, or for such a lack of sleep that I barely function at work. Don't get me wrong, by boss is the greatest women, but one day she(or another potential employer) might not be so understanding to what I am going through. Not only does endo affect me during the day by giving me the gift of endo belly, fatigue(I don't need more) and sharp shooting pain through my body, but now it has taken my night time...and its crossing the damn line.

I hate to let my endo win, but last night it took me down in the ring and knocked me out in the first round. I didn't even have the strength to fight back last night. I just laid there, in the fetal position, singing songs in my head trying to keep my mind distracted so that it wouldn't feel the pain. I even wiggle my toes to try and take the attention off of my 'about to hurl' stomach. Alas, none of these things work very well. I would fall asleep after a while, but only for a few moments and then be woken up again by the agonizing pain that was happening in my nether regions.