Vicious Cycle

For the past few weeks, my life has been a total mess. I moved across the country for a job that didn't work out, and now I am sitting in a new apartment alone(except for my cats), wondering what to do. I have no job, my fiance is thousands of miles away, and I am now depressed and eating everything in sight.
So I have decided since my life gave me the biggest amount of lemons...I' saying screw it and moving back to where my fiance is. Did I spend thousands on the move to where I am? OF COURSE. But I am now just loosing more money than I am gaining. I am also gaining more weight because when I am stressed, I eat...and when I eat I gain weight. Along with the eating also comes my stomach and lady part pains. And with the pain comes depression, fatigue, irritability, and lots of pent up rage from my unfortunate situation. Its just a vicious cycle that is never ending.
I wish that when something in life made me stressed that it wouldn't cause my endo to flare up because it makes things so much harder to deal with. I know that a lot of the time I feel crappy but now it's even harder because my #1 supporter isn't here to cheer me on. I feel alone in a world that is jam packed with people.
So instead of packing on this rainy day like I should be doing...I choose netflix and kitty snuggles.

 

When nobody believes you

I am trying to be as nice as possible about this...But my god I hate people who actually think that I am making up this disease. Are people actually that small minded...or are they just badly informed. When my belly is so bloated I look like my sister in law who is actually 6 months pregnant, there's some sort of problem. When I hurt so much I just want to be sick, there's a problem. When my lady parts feel like they are trying to kill me...there is a fricken problem. And yet somebody actually told me that 'Oh it can't really be that bad. You look fine and your not in the hospital so it can't be as bad as you say'. I honestly wanted to slap this person so hard, and make them go talk to a doctor in order to educate themselves. Better yet I should have given them  a million websites that talk about my disease and ask them what they think after reading everything.
I understand that everybody has their own problems, and that not everybody in the world is going to know what exactly endometriosis is...god knows I didn't until I was diagnosed. But that doesn't really give people the right to tell me how I should be feeling. I try my best to keep my chin up, not complain, and go about my days as if nothing is wrong. But that certainly doesn't mean that I am not suffering or that it 'can't be that bad'. I think that maybe people actually just don't give a shit about other people most of the time. So they don't bother to educate themselves on issues, or have sympathy for the things that they don't understand...and that makes me sad. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and listen to their problems when needed. I just wish that the rest of the world could also be like this, instead of being self absorbed to the point of not even trying to understand someone else's pain.

MIA...

So many of my readers have been emailing me quite concerned as to why I suddenly stopped blogging. A lot of them were disappointed as they thought my stories were funny, uplifting, and many enjoyed my 'unfiltered and blunt' stories about my endometriosis.
For the first little while, I stopped blogging due to my depression. I had quit my job due to harassment and I couldn't shake the feelings that I had. I never left my house, binge watched Netflix, and never put on real pants. As I was coming out of my depression I applied for a job that was on the other side of the country...and to my surprise I got the job. I then proceeded to move across the country for my dream job only to be fired after only 3 day. My employer has given me no real reason for my termination other than he didn't think I was 'physically fit' enough to do the job. My position is in a bakery making everything from bread, to muffins, to cookies ect. This excuse for firing me really got to me because I have worked in kitchens for years and have never had any trouble with the physical labor. Obviously this reason isn't a good enough reason to fire somebody but none the less...I am now sitting in a new province, my fiance in another province, and I don't know anybody where I live...I am jobless, friendless, and pissed off.
So to my readers I am apologizing for being MIA for such a long period of time. I had a lot of 'ME' issues that I needed to work through...and I am finally seeing the brighter side of things.
So I am back, stronger than ever, with even stranger stories than I had before. If you enjoyed by blog before my disappearance...then you are going to love the new stronger, braver, driven Jessica who has a lot more to say, and a bigger set of balls to say them with( metaphorically speaking).

Depression is hard to beat

I have tried to convince myself that for the past few weeks I have been fine...but I can only fool myself for so long. Ever since I started taking Visanne I have been more depressed than I thought. My days have been blurring together, I seem to have a very small appetite, and I have no energy to do anything.

The fact that I never want to leave my house isn't helping anything either...but every time I try to get the motivation to do anything I can't seem to force myself to actually go through with it. I now what I'm feeling isn't normal, but it is so hard to change those feelings. I haven't even wanted to update posts in my blog...which if you haven't realized I love doing. But lately not so much. The few things that get me through my days are my sweet kitties and my fiance, but ohhhh lucky me my fiance isn't home this week so its just me and the furr balls.

I realize this post is short...but it's all that I can manage to write today. I need to find something to focus my mind on so that I can fight this depression. Since that's not happening today I am watching 'Despicable Me' instead...that should fight some depression I should think.

Its been a while...

So it has been about a week since I've posted anything...mainly because I have been dealing with some personal issues that don't have anything to do with my endo.
But of course...along with my personal issues comes my endo pain. Lately I have been experiencing migraines, nausea, and so much fatigue. That combined with my general life problems...and I have been feeling like the biggest bag of crap that has ever lived. I admit that that's a little over kill on my part, but I have barely left my house...my migraines keep making me stay in bed, and puking is just not fun at all. Does never leaving my house help my issues...no of course it doesn't. But when I feel so sick that leaving the house just isn't an option what am I really supposed to do.
I have now tried every trick that I could Google in order to battle these physical issues that are making the pain in my tummy flare up more that I would like. Google has failed me. Not only do my migraines continue....my tummy is bloated to the extreme, I feel extremely un-sexy, and I am starting to feel like my body really does hate me. Add in my crazy emotions...and I don't even think i'd want to be around me right now(not that I really have a choice).

It's my BIRTHDAYYY

It's my 23rd birthday today and I have now been a strong fighter of my endo for about 8 years.I would like to thank everybody who reads my blog for all of their encouragement and support. I know I have touched a lot of different people's lives since starting my blog. And each of those people have touched my life as well. Thank you so much for all of the love and support... it honestly means the world to me.
Now I am off to have a home spa night for myself and hopefully not jinx the fact that I have been completely pain free today.
Again thanks for the support, encouragement, and love from all of my readers
Xo

Being a 'Troll'

My body is being all kinds of crazy lately and I think i'm now so used to it that I don't even really notice anymore. From my fiance's point of view I have been a 'Bitchy Emotional Troll'...not gonna lie when he said this to me I did nothing but laugh.
It's hard to see the changes in yourself...and maybe its just that I don't want to see the changes in myself. The changes mean that the medication's that I am on are not only combating my endo...but changing me as a person and not for the better. So what are my options.
1. Take no medications and make my bed my new BFF and never leave its comfy sheets
2. Be a crazed hormonal person and risk ruining relationships in my life
3. Try new medications and pray that they don't have the same affects
To be honest I don't like either of these options because either way I pretty much loose in some way or another. So I am now stuck deciding which of these three options I take. Do I really want to never leave my bed....no it's honestly not all that comfy after a while. Do I continue the medication combo that I am currently on and have my fiance hate being around me because I'm just to much to handle. Or do I go to my dr and tell him everything and just be put onto another medication that is probably going to have the same outcomes as the ones that I am on...hormone meds do the same thing...even if they all have different names.
I feel so at a loss right now because no matter what...some aspect of my life is going to suffer. I guess I just have to pick which aspect I don't mind having be destroyed...My body physically...or my relationship with my fiance.
If somebody can make this decision for me then please do. Obviously I would pick to save my relationship because he means the world to me...but then do I make him take care of my physically when I can't get out of bed to even put pants on, I pass out from the pain shooting up my back, or have to be taken to the hospital because of how rough of shape I am in. These things are what happens when I'm not on medication.
Either way I feel like my relationship is going to suffer. Either I stay on meds and be a 'Bitchy Emotional Troll' or I go off of the meds and 'Become one with my bed'.
My endo and I need to come up with a deal...and fast because i'm getting quite pissed off with my lady parts and the crap that it brings.

PS this is a troll...I see no resemblance